2nd Relationship....gone~
It's about 2am in the morning here in Singapore as I pen down this chapter. It wasn't too long ago that my relationship has ended. Well, perhaps it was deem to end a while ago. We have been on broken terms for the past few months. Relationship has been really jerky. On and off.
I guess if any of my friends is reading this chapter, some of you are really confused about my relationship status. By the time you read this, I can tell you that it is already over. Fully over. Gone. Period.
It is a result of my own self. She has been great. She has always been there. She has been tolerant. But I guess it is me. I have two major problem; Confidence and Temper.
Confidence:
Part 1 -
I am afraid she leaves me. Maybe I can't take it that what is mine has to be mine. No one else can share her. It is my absolute right to have her for myself only. I cannot imagine her with someone else. In someone else's arm or someone else's care. But she told me she has her rights and I agree. I guess i am too MCP. I think i am afraid she'd leave me. I don't have the confidence that i am special. I am afraid people will say " your gf go around hanging out with other guys you ok meh?" Or perhaps I am afraid one day she will walk away with someone else. And it sucks.
Part 2-
I guess I have always feared that she will outshine me. As much as I have told people, I am ok with my partner being better than me, I think I am really not that prepared after all. I am not what I claimed to be. She has found a new job and pays her much better. She is outspoken. She is a people person. She can make people trust her. She is better than me in many ways. What am I left with now? I am only someone with a dream. A dream to save the world. Maybe I am not that capable at all. Maybe this is all wrong. I don't know. I have always failed in my life. I mean since my younger years, almost all of the project i organize i have failed. But after I met her, all seems to go well. I worry that without her, i cannot cope. I was always made to feel by her that without her, i'll crash. That she is my lucky star. Soon, i started to ponder if the reason I am with her is because I need her to help me in the organisation or am I being with her because I love her. I want it to be the latter...somehow...it slowly felt otherwise.
I have shared so many things with her. Outside of org, for those who know about my family issues, you know I hate to be like my dad. I want to do so many things. I want to save the world. But she prick me when she tells me "you are like your father". It sucks. It stinks. It hurts my EGO again. HAven't i been trying very hard not to be like him? It was just that I wanted to use the conveyor belt instead of walking, she told me that "I thought you don't want to be lazy like your dad?". It hurts. Very very deep. Already I am tired and trying very hard not to live in his shadows, here she is pointing it out.
Next on, it has been really awhile since I last felt she is listening to me and what I have to say. It is always her view and she always think I am narrow minded and I am being selfish. Make me feel so out of place.She told me before she liked me because I had a big heart. So now I am selfish, am I the same person she use to like or love? I don't know. I am scared now, will she leave me because I am different now? That built another layer of wall. Whenever I want to bring up things that I feel about, I can't bring it to her. She is now busy. Busy with her own life. Busy with work. Busy with part time school. She has to sleep by 11PM everyday, if not, she will not be able to function the next day. She work tills about 6+ everyday and sometimes 8+. And when she has to study, she reach home only at 10+. So literally, we can't speak to each other. I have my org to concentrate on especially on weekend because that is where the volunteers are free and I can spend time to grow the org and the volunteers.
As time passes, my confidence of us fell and the future got bleak.
TEMPER:
With all the above going on, i flared up. I flare up so easily. For the past year we have never failed to quarrel over the phone after 5mins of conversation. I don't know why but I can't feel that she understands me and she finds talking to me very difficult. And I only flare up to people who are close ot me. My family and her. And when I flare up and throw my temper, things break. I destroy things. I raise my volume and destory anything in sight. That includes my HP. It has been a long while since I flare up with her. It wasn't like that in the first 3 years. I was tamed and I controlled really well. I can understand her and so could she. Whenever I was about to flare up, she will calm me down and I will try to control. Now, I don't control myself and she say I am being "ridiculous". What happened? I have no idea.
I have one of the worst temper anyone can ever imagine. No one wants to see me ever flare up. And I mean really flare up. I ever tore a busstop apart by bending the roof, chairs, signages, smashing the bins and breaking the light bulbs. I bled, but I didn't care. I keep going on like a mad man. I didn't feel any pain. Maybe because I was too pissed. But I would never do anything to hurt ladies and kids. No matter how flared up or angry I maybe. I guess I just wanted to divert my energy and make myself feel painful so it hurts me physically more than it hurts my heart.
Because of her, I teared again. I used to not tear because my my previous relationship. Now, I swear i will not tear for another lady ever again. I have to be strong.
I don't think anyone will ever suit me. Maybe I am destined to be alone. Maybe it is for the better. No one to share my joy or sorrows with anymore. I know it will hurt me real bad to see her with someone else, but I guess it is for her good. She needs to move on and I need to be alone.
She smsed me "We have been together for 5 years....our relationship is, Stagnant."
It was always with her that I feel that I can do things. She has always been there. Now, I feel decapitated. I feel that without her, I cannot make anything happen. she was the miracle. Now, I have to make my own miracles. I am not confident anymore.
I still want to save this world. Even if it is to save it for another 10 seconds. Enough time for us to tell the people whom we love, "I love you". I can't find anyone to tell anymore, I hope you find someone you can tell when that day comes.
I guess I can now better focus on my org. Focus to save the world. I hope I still can.
My thoughts are not in sequence...it is all around. I pen this page down out of pure emotion. Mixed emotions. Mixed feelings. If you don't understand, it is ok. Neither do I understand how I feel now. I want to cry, but I can't anymore. No tears coming out. I want to hurt myself, but I want to stay in good shape to save the world. To make this world a better place.
good nite.
I guess if any of my friends is reading this chapter, some of you are really confused about my relationship status. By the time you read this, I can tell you that it is already over. Fully over. Gone. Period.
It is a result of my own self. She has been great. She has always been there. She has been tolerant. But I guess it is me. I have two major problem; Confidence and Temper.
Confidence:
Part 1 -
I am afraid she leaves me. Maybe I can't take it that what is mine has to be mine. No one else can share her. It is my absolute right to have her for myself only. I cannot imagine her with someone else. In someone else's arm or someone else's care. But she told me she has her rights and I agree. I guess i am too MCP. I think i am afraid she'd leave me. I don't have the confidence that i am special. I am afraid people will say " your gf go around hanging out with other guys you ok meh?" Or perhaps I am afraid one day she will walk away with someone else. And it sucks.
Part 2-
I guess I have always feared that she will outshine me. As much as I have told people, I am ok with my partner being better than me, I think I am really not that prepared after all. I am not what I claimed to be. She has found a new job and pays her much better. She is outspoken. She is a people person. She can make people trust her. She is better than me in many ways. What am I left with now? I am only someone with a dream. A dream to save the world. Maybe I am not that capable at all. Maybe this is all wrong. I don't know. I have always failed in my life. I mean since my younger years, almost all of the project i organize i have failed. But after I met her, all seems to go well. I worry that without her, i cannot cope. I was always made to feel by her that without her, i'll crash. That she is my lucky star. Soon, i started to ponder if the reason I am with her is because I need her to help me in the organisation or am I being with her because I love her. I want it to be the latter...somehow...it slowly felt otherwise.
I have shared so many things with her. Outside of org, for those who know about my family issues, you know I hate to be like my dad. I want to do so many things. I want to save the world. But she prick me when she tells me "you are like your father". It sucks. It stinks. It hurts my EGO again. HAven't i been trying very hard not to be like him? It was just that I wanted to use the conveyor belt instead of walking, she told me that "I thought you don't want to be lazy like your dad?". It hurts. Very very deep. Already I am tired and trying very hard not to live in his shadows, here she is pointing it out.
Next on, it has been really awhile since I last felt she is listening to me and what I have to say. It is always her view and she always think I am narrow minded and I am being selfish. Make me feel so out of place.She told me before she liked me because I had a big heart. So now I am selfish, am I the same person she use to like or love? I don't know. I am scared now, will she leave me because I am different now? That built another layer of wall. Whenever I want to bring up things that I feel about, I can't bring it to her. She is now busy. Busy with her own life. Busy with work. Busy with part time school. She has to sleep by 11PM everyday, if not, she will not be able to function the next day. She work tills about 6+ everyday and sometimes 8+. And when she has to study, she reach home only at 10+. So literally, we can't speak to each other. I have my org to concentrate on especially on weekend because that is where the volunteers are free and I can spend time to grow the org and the volunteers.
As time passes, my confidence of us fell and the future got bleak.
TEMPER:
With all the above going on, i flared up. I flare up so easily. For the past year we have never failed to quarrel over the phone after 5mins of conversation. I don't know why but I can't feel that she understands me and she finds talking to me very difficult. And I only flare up to people who are close ot me. My family and her. And when I flare up and throw my temper, things break. I destroy things. I raise my volume and destory anything in sight. That includes my HP. It has been a long while since I flare up with her. It wasn't like that in the first 3 years. I was tamed and I controlled really well. I can understand her and so could she. Whenever I was about to flare up, she will calm me down and I will try to control. Now, I don't control myself and she say I am being "ridiculous". What happened? I have no idea.
I have one of the worst temper anyone can ever imagine. No one wants to see me ever flare up. And I mean really flare up. I ever tore a busstop apart by bending the roof, chairs, signages, smashing the bins and breaking the light bulbs. I bled, but I didn't care. I keep going on like a mad man. I didn't feel any pain. Maybe because I was too pissed. But I would never do anything to hurt ladies and kids. No matter how flared up or angry I maybe. I guess I just wanted to divert my energy and make myself feel painful so it hurts me physically more than it hurts my heart.
Because of her, I teared again. I used to not tear because my my previous relationship. Now, I swear i will not tear for another lady ever again. I have to be strong.
I don't think anyone will ever suit me. Maybe I am destined to be alone. Maybe it is for the better. No one to share my joy or sorrows with anymore. I know it will hurt me real bad to see her with someone else, but I guess it is for her good. She needs to move on and I need to be alone.
She smsed me "We have been together for 5 years....our relationship is, Stagnant."
It was always with her that I feel that I can do things. She has always been there. Now, I feel decapitated. I feel that without her, I cannot make anything happen. she was the miracle. Now, I have to make my own miracles. I am not confident anymore.
I still want to save this world. Even if it is to save it for another 10 seconds. Enough time for us to tell the people whom we love, "I love you". I can't find anyone to tell anymore, I hope you find someone you can tell when that day comes.
I guess I can now better focus on my org. Focus to save the world. I hope I still can.
My thoughts are not in sequence...it is all around. I pen this page down out of pure emotion. Mixed emotions. Mixed feelings. If you don't understand, it is ok. Neither do I understand how I feel now. I want to cry, but I can't anymore. No tears coming out. I want to hurt myself, but I want to stay in good shape to save the world. To make this world a better place.
good nite.
posted by Wilson Ang a.k.a ShamU at 9:28 PM
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