Thursday, May 17, 2007


Been awhile since I last blogged. Was given a chance to write for the National Weather Study Project (NWSP). So since I stayed up almost all night to write it, don't want to waste it. So i'm posting it here for anyone who passes by to read it. I hope it will inspire some of you.


Global warming is taking its shape into reality for many governments and corporations who have once chose to ignore its existence. However, they are now actively doing their bit to educate the public to start taking action by reducing their carbon footprint. This is a daunting task that will not work unless everyone comes together to make that stand and change his or her lifestyle to be a more sustainable one.

As a youth, I personally feel that we each need to start taking the lead an ownership of our planet. As the world moves towards globalization, what we do here will affect someone, somewhere out there and vice versa. When we talk about saving the world, it is really about saving ourselves from extinction. Way before human came into the picture, this blue planet has been surviving well. The evolution of mankind and phasing in and out of specimens of life are just part and parcels of what’s happening on Mother Earth. This is our world and it is in the matter of time before we are bestowed with this planet’s responsibilities and stewardship of our own kind. Hence, it’s time for us to do something if we want to inherit a world that allows us to continue to survive as a race.

Senoko’s initiative of the National Weather Study Project (NWSP) is one that allows the stakeholders of tomorrow, the youths, to have another avenue to start doing some level of research and understanding of what is happening to our planet instead of just hearing from the news and reading from books. The students who have participated in this project actually gained quite an extensive knowledge on what global warming is and why is it happening while they are involved in the project. It takes learning to a whole new dimension where the students have to start thinking and ask questions. This is a good fundamental build up for them to start taking ownership and knowing why they need to do so.

Given the opportunity to volunteer as a judge last year and also the chance to be the moderator for the secondary schools for this year, I can see the standard of the projects have significantly improved. It is gratifying to see the amount of efforts the students have put in and what is even more satisfying is to see students who took part in last year’s project hand over their findings to the younger batch. A sense of proper handing over can be observed and students are able to work on earlier findings and move forward to more defined and focused results that couldn’t be achieved last year. To top that, the students who participated this year have not only learned from their own projects, but also learn from their seniors who have participated in the project the year before.

In this article, I hope to firstly congratulate all participating students for volunteering yourself to be involved in this project despite your hectic schedule. Especially so for this year, where there is the Singapore Youth Festival going on. By getting involved, all of you are winners by your own ways. You have learned how to work as a team and also learn more than what your fellow schoolmates have form the textbook. You have had the chance to learn about critical thinking, to filter information from the vast resources of the Internet age and also learn from the judges who comes from all walks of life.

Secondly, I’d like to take the opportunity to urge all of you to take it further from NWSP, to go beyond the school if you dare. Now that you have a better understanding of what global warming is and what are the various environmental issues are happening, you can start doing something now. Being a youth is an asset that you should cherish to your advantage. None of you are too young to do anything. The only thing that will stop you is yourself. This is your world and no one is allowed to tell you what cannot be done. You owe it to yourself to have a world that you want when you take over from the adults of this century. Start taking ownership and share what you know to get people to take action to keep this planet a more sustainable one for us to live in.

Let me share with you an example of a young boy who started out his simple dream to just “Save the World” in hope to inspire every to not stop just here. He was primary three where he realized he wanted to make the world a better place because he wanted to help people to live better. And with this simple dream, it kept him going at least for the next sixteen years.

He began to get involved and read up about what is happening to the world. He started to pick up an old folder from home and started to do some newspaper cuttings and go to the library once in awhile to learn more about what is the environment and what are the existing interesting technologies. He kept doing that before he made his first step to take action by volunteering with an existing organisation to help people. But after couple of years, he felt that he wanted to do more, he felt that he could do more. So he went on to organize small groups to volunteer and to serve people. By then, he was already in his upper secondary school days. He carried on doing these simple things to until he was in his polytechnic days where he realized that if he were to be in an organisation and leverage on that platform, he could bring more like minded youth together to organize bigger outreach program. This could benefit even more people and hence his active involvement during his tertiary education years in various societies and union to help save the world in his own little ways. However, shortly after doing so, he left school and got into national service. But prior to that, an ASEAN Youth Conference on the Environment has given him a jolt to realize that if we don’t care about our planet now, we’d need to find an alternate space to live in time to come. This further probed him to look at the need to improve the environment if he wanted to save the world. We need to have an environment to live in order to survive.

The spirit or flare of trying to “Save the World” did not just end there. It kept burning in his heart and he wanted so badly to do something about it. He went back to paper reading and internet search. Finally, he chanced upon a trip to the United Nations World Summit on Sustainable Development (WSSD) and made headways for it. The trip proved to be an enriching and worthwhile one. It inspired him to find an organisation to focus on getting youth to take ownership and educate the people to lead a more sustainable lifestyle by simple everyday decision.

It seemed simple but it wasn’t, along the way people come and go and many adults didn’t really believe him enough when he started. They did not take him seriously and were waiting to see when he will give up and walk away from this little dream of his. A dream of saving the world or making the world a better place. Doubts came from not only from the adults but also from family members, working colleagues and also from fellow counter parts.

Nonetheless, he kept pushing forward and kept organizing activities to reach out to more youths and slowly, he was recognized for his effort. His friends turned from laughing at him to taking a step forward to ask him “I want to know why are you so passionate about what you are doing.” And some of these friends ended up becoming his generals in running the organisation. These friends who were inspired then in turn inspire more others and organize activities to educate more youth and reach out to more individuals.

Fellow environmentalist from both the local and international scene also started to appreciate his flare, his persistence and his sincerity. They began to partner him to work out better programs and events to reach out to more people. The government began to take notice of he and his group and lend their support. Corporate partners slowly took interest in what his organisation is doing and offered whatever they could to help him expand his outreach. Some even took him in and mentor him to realize his simple dream. Till date, he is still working very hard to realize his simple dream, “To create and maintain a culture of a more sustainable lifestyle.” This is his way of “Saving the World.”

The idea of sharing this little story is to have all of you realize two things. Firstly, no one is too young to do something to start realizing his/her dreams. You can do anything at any age. Start small, start simple. Build on small success and slowly you will infect more and more people who will take you seriously about saving the world.

And secondly, you will need to always persevere in order to achieve what you want. Stay focus and dreams will come true.

For those who did not win any prizes, I hope you realized you have already won the experience of a lifetime when you embarked on this journey. The friends you made and the knowledge you gained will help you more than you know it. Treasure it and share it to as many as you can.

For those who have won prizes, this is a bonus for you. And with the bonus, a certain level of obligation should fall upon your shoulders to take on the challenge to share what you have learnt.

For all participants of the NWSP, I’d challenge you to do take this opportunity to work together to reach out to your school community. Partner with your school and reach out to your own neighborhood.

This is your world to inherit in time, so you do have a say in it. Start taking stewardship of it now and by the time you are handed the rein, you’d be glad you did so because everyone will benefit from it, including you, your peers, your family and your loved ones.

Any thoughts?

Dream on and make it happen cause dreams DO happen!

Saturday, March 10, 2007


Thanks to Shoop, I have had the chance to attend a Basic course by Asia Works. And it got me thinking a lot. Although a handful of things I have already known or learned prior it from my various mentors, but I think what the course helped is to reflect. I do reflect or have quiet time for myself every once in awhile I haven't done so for a long time. And this few days, it allowed me to do so. And today, I guess what i would like to share is about "Choices".

Firstly, just to lay the ground about "Choices", there are 2 things we have really no choice. To be born (by your biological parents) to this world . And to die (in any ways). Between these two ends of life, everything is a choice. Even the way we die is a choice. Maybe you can tell me if you feel otherwise and quote me a case.

Imagine this, if James Bond were to drop himself into a chamber with the wall closing fast on you. There you see two holes. One states "filled with 5ft of poo poo" and the other states "filled with 10ft of poo poo". How many choices do we have here?

He'd have three. Jump into hole 1, jump into hole 2 or do nothing and get crushed to death.

So being a smart human being and a top notch spy, He'd make the best choice and choose to jump into one with 5ft of poo poo (Doesn't take a rocket scientist to decide that). So as he pounce into fills up to his neck/chest (or somewhere there).

Next, he can choose to again the following ways to think/look at his current situation:
1. Whew...lucky shit. I made the best choice to be in 5ft of poo poo compared to 10ft. If not, I'd either staying afloat in 10ft of poo poo or be crushed to death. And take a deep breath of relief. Another great escape!


2. Man.....this sucks, I've no choice but be here, in this stinky hole filled with poo poo. I could have been at the beach, enjoying the sun bathing and checking out some babes. This sucks. Why do I have to be in this situation? This is shitty man....

Try to relate for option 2. How many of us actually experience at times where we "have to" do something. In a negative way. Made it felt as if that we were forced by situation. Make ourselves feel like we are the victim and we need people to save us. And kept saying we had "no choice".

A lot of times we keep telling ourselves that we have no choice but the fact is that we do! And we make it day in and day out. We are human and we are very much capable to make the best choice out of the situation we are given. We are the largest single brain to body proportion animal!

Get this, relate to the story of James bond again for option 2. The choice of being at the beach was not an option to start with nor choice that was available at that point of time! So stop making yourself sorry for yourself or others feel sorry for you. Many people will often then put themselves in a victimized situation. Which in fact is not. It was a result of a choice!

If one wants to argue that "James Bond had no choice because he was trapped in such a place.". But the counter argument to that statement would be James Bond chose to be a spy and he would have already known that he would make life and death decision everyday. This situation where he was caught in was a result of his earlier choice. DUH~

So whenever you think you have "no choice", think again. The situation you are in is based on an earlier choice you have made. But perhaps you weren't aware of it anymore.

Another scenario, some people might beg to differ saying that they have no choice because his/her boss ask him/her to do certain things. But who chose the job to start with? And after that, who chose to stay on with the job even if it sucks? Some might say they need the money to live comfortably, so now who wants to live comfortably? Who chose that? Can he/she chose to live more frugally? Could he/she chose to save enough money just in case he/she wants to leave the job? All the choices are linked! Many people chose without thinking clearly. That is the main problem. If you have chosen what you have, you must think thoroughly what comes with it. It is your choice.

For those with kids and feel you are a "slave" to them (somehow), you'd say you had no choice. Is that true? Who chose to have the kids and bring them to this planet? How can one not expect to take care of their kid when they are born? Unless your baby will wake up in a middle of the night and check out to see if the parent's are awake and try to sneak out so the parents will not be woken up and check his/her own diaper or even make their own food? The fact is you chose to do so and you have to be responsible for it and NOT tell yourself that you have no choice!

Why do people say "No Choice". I am not sure. Either they perceive that they really had none (i hope they do after they read this blog) or they are trying to find a way out. Go to a state of denial. To get sympathy. For what? For attention I guess.

Whatever happens in life or the results that turns out are results of choices. There is no right or wrong choices in life. It is just a choice. When you do so, think clearly what you'd be taking on with that choice. Don't afterwhich regret.

I guess I have blabbered about "Choices". I hope readers do get the point that nothing is "no choice". Doing nothing is a choice as well. And stop trying to be a victim of the situation. Take control of it and be responsible for your choice.

Readers, do take some time to think about the choices you made in life. Think or reflect how it affected you. Think again how many times you said "I have to..." or " choice..." when you actually have. Just that you chose to do "A" to "B" for certain reason which only you will know.

That's all for now... I hope someone very very close to me would be able to read this and take some time to do some thinker as well. I hope this helps. In the next few days, I'll pen down as many things as possible I've learnt I n hope that she will learn from me too.

Friday, January 12, 2007

The Interview

Friends around me has been asking about my interview so perhaps I can share here how I have "screwed up" for my interview in my own opinion. I think/know I did my best, as best as i could at that point of time thou after leaving there, I felt I could have done better. But what's done is done. Now the fate awaits in the handfs of the selection committee.

Couple days back, I just had the interview. I was the last one. I went in and faced the panel:
Mr Abdullah Tarmugi
Mdm Halimah Yacob
Mrs Lim Hwee Hua
Mr Low Thia Khiang
RAdm(NS) Lui Tuck Yew
Mr Mah Bow Tan
Ms Denise Phua
Mr Sin Boon Ann

They were warm. They tried to make me feel comfortable although I was tensed. Or at least I know I clearly told them I was at one point...and the panel laughed and joked a little to make me feel comfortable.

Questions and answers that I remembered during the interview (base on "agar-ation") and my improved answers;
Q: What do you see your role as an NMP?
A: To be one of the collective source of info/feedback to the government and facilitate better environmental policies

Q: There are already existing feedback units and blogs, so why do we need you?
A: Because I do not think these channel are that effective to channel the views and I'd be able to better relate to the youth to bring out their genuine issues. Feedback unit somehow has too many layers and we never know how many of them really reach the parliament level. A direct voice is always better and someone closer to teh ground and youth would be better to relate.

Q: Do you think Singaporean Youth lack of direction and no sense of belonging and they might find themselves lost eventually. (Actually this question so long that even thou I asked the MP to repeat, I can't remember. *faint* But this is my summarized version)
A: I disagree to the statement. They all ahve a dream. they do know what they want o do. Well, most of them do. At least those around me. It is just that we all need to survive, so earning money to be financially free is the main priority. But then I have learnt from one of my mentor that getting to be financially free is only a means to an end. WE need to first identify what we want to achieve. If not, we'd always be in the rat race trapped. I am lucky to have had the chance to find out my dream, passion and took the leap of faith to pursue it. Leaving a comfortably paid job to reach for my dream to make the world a better place.

Q: So something like you want to save the world lah?
A: Yup. to make the world a better place. My personal goal is to be able to create and maintain a sustainable lifestyle and culture.

Q: So what are the issues you want to raise up?
A: I don;t think I have any one in particular. And sides, my aim is to be a collective source of feedback, I'd rather do the collection on informatino and feeddback before presenting up.

Q: I know but now what is the burning issue you have? Inside of you that you want to bring up.
A: Well, there is alot, but I have no idea where to start. I can't think of any right now off my head, maybe because i think i somehow feel....tensed.

~laughter filled the room~

Comments: Hm....i think the buring issues is causing some haze so he can't think well

~ more laughs~

A: Well, true i'd say. And as you brough up, haze is an issue. Something that we hope to be able to address to as well. And the haze issue clearly shows that environment is trans boundary. It affects all of us. In the recent haze breifing held, we were told a special tasks force for haze was formed and all the ministries were involved less the Finance. This clearly shows how important environmental issues is and how it affects us. I am sure all of us is aware environment affects all of us. From the recent implementation of Euro IV emission taxi to the two initaitives by MND. IT shows how our daily life is affected. I do hope that perhaps we can have mroe subsidy for hbrid to encourage more people to drive hybrid. And for MND end, instead of volunteer green mark scheme, why not make it mandatory and all Singapore buildings be green? We are in a position to be able to do so.

Environment is something that I hope we will be able to look from an economic stand point on how it will benefit us financially. With the recent signing of Kyoto, it opens w hole new market, a green economy. Also, we must be able to see what are the social impact of the environment has. And how politics affects all these things.

Q: You mentioned you like to use it to build the "heartware" and the "heritage" of Singapore. How do you intend to do so?
A: Well, the heartware part comes in by engaging the youth to more activities. To make them feel they belong. To be more invovled in environmental activities. and for heritage, what inspired me was the story of bukit chandru, it was done by the Raffles Musuem and they used nature and heritage to capture me my interest. At least I felt a sense of belonging after that. I could relate. I felt as if this was aprt of me. Something I am proud to share with anyone who comes to Singapore. The story of bukit chandru.

Q: Do you blog?
A: Yes i do...interesting wuestion that you should bring this up thou.

Q: Do you use this to gather feedbacks?
A: Yes and no. My personal blog, which you might have come across, is a blog for me to share my journey that I have taken. Giving up my comfrotbale life in the airforce to do what I am passioante about. To share my journey to the unknown. Which it is. But it has been so exciting. And I put it in short stories and hiopfully people who reads it will be able to digest it and they will also get to be motivated that think that "hey, Wilson did this before and maybe I can or should". Hopefully it will motivate them. It is a life story to share.

For ECO's blogs on our projects and stuffs, these are channels for us to improve our activities and also constantly to gather feedbacks on what we are doing and also a means to have our volunteers interact with those who might be interested or want to know mroe about what we are doing. It is a two way communication medium.

Q: So what is your relationship with Dr Yaacob and Dr Geh Min? Have they been responsive and how close do you work with them?
A: They have been very good to me. Have worked closely with them and they share advices as well on what I should do or how I should improve myself and the organsiatoin and the activities. Dr Yaacob has been very responsive and has graced our annual National Youth Environment Forum and Dr Geh min has always been there to share her opinion and someone I am very much grateful to with regards to sharing ehr wealth of experience and knowledge.

Q: So you write to the MPs and how have they responded?
A: Well, couple of "unlucky" Ministers have gotten my email and perhaps due to my hot headedness I have written to both Dr Yaacob and Dr Vivian on my opinions and they have been very forth coming in terms of response and even got someone to touch base with me to work somethings out. Thing slike the kyoto protocol and also our education system. On how rigid it was and how to improve on it.

Q: So I belive you have been folowing the parliment proceedings and what is going on, so do you see yourself as what Dr Geh Min does?
A: Yup, very much so. And top of that be the collective source of info and feedback to better facilitate environmental policies.

Q: But there are already existing systems, why do we need you?
A: Well, as mentioned, I do not think it helps to bring out the full potential of the feedback that is really happening on the ground. Sides, there are alot of levels that it will need to go through before it can be raised up in parliament. I will be the link direct to the parliament as well. And being able to relate better with my peers help to better have them bring out issues close to their heart.

Q: Any other questions panels? Wilson, thank you for your tiem to come down for the interview. Do you have any questions for us?
A: Nope.

Thank you

Then I stepped lasted about 20mins. I don't think i have put down everything, but it is as much as i can remember.

I honestly do not know what will the results will be but I do look forward to be able to be part of the team. I really want to be in it and contribute my share.

That's all for now.


Monday, January 08, 2007

A blessing...

Been awhile since I last update the blog. Alot of things has happened and I think I have been very very very lucky for the past few months.

I was busy preparing the forecast and future of ECO and also at the same time, my passion was recognized by a fellow senior environmentalist! Her name is Dr Geh Min. I guess this time I'll focus on the blessing that was bestowed on me just few months ago.

It was in November 2006 that Dr Geh Min suddenly dropped me an email to asked me of my interest to be in parliament as a Nominated Member of Parliament. I was taken aback. I was and still am happy about this. I mean, I honestly felt I have not done enough but she actually has the faith in me and what I do and asked me to take a more proactive role to bring an environment youth voice into the parliament.

It was an offer that I thought is once in a lifetime. To have someone who was an NMP to actually recommend me, to me it was an honor. But at the same time, I did not want to jump into it so I have had the chance to bumped into her for the next 3 days to seek out her views as an NMP and also what are the commitment levels. I mean I do read up about the parliament and also do occassionally read up about he parliament, but getting involved, I need to know the commitment level.

Other than her, I spoke to Ms Claire Chiang, whom I was seeking mentorship from. She gave me a good talk on ther opinion as an NMP for about 30-40mins just before she departed for Korea. It was insightful. Others that I had the chance to seek advices from are people like:

1. Ms Elim Chew: Founder 77th Street
2. Mr Raymond Huang: Founder Heartware Network
3. Ms Charissa Ee: Chairperson Promiseworks
4. Ms Tan Chee Koon: CEO National Volunteer and Philanthropy Centre
5. Mr Jack Sim: Founder World Toilet Organisation
6. Mr Howard Shaw: Director Singapore Environment Council
7. Mr Ng Weng Hoong: Founder/Director Energy Asia

These are people who have served the community and also the reason why they are or some are not interested to be involved as NMP. They shed some light in their views and that helped alot.

After a long while, I finally decided to press on with it. I know what I want to do. I have my life mission to guide me. This is one avenue I can work on. And also at the same time, I can look at myself as one of the collective soruce of info/feedback to the government to facilitate better environmental policies. There are so many things to be done for the environment. I have no idea where to start. From the transportation system, to enforcement of littering, to building schemes and even environmental impact assessment mandatory policy.

Never knew that the news got to the ears of the media that fast. They asked if I was fine with disclosing my intention, I gave the green light and from there on, it was just news that flashes quickly across various main stream media. And to my surprise, I happen to be the youngest nominee. I guess that adds on to the spice of it.

The coverage was great, loads of coverage and pictures appearing even without me knowing where the pictures came from. And finally, on the last day itself, I went to submit the completed forms. First time in my life i felt like a celebrity. When I arrived in the cab, the camera kept flashing until i got into the parliament house. I was later interviewed and woah..the question asked. It was somehwo challenging.

I have learned on that day on how to handle media. Something perhaps I would like to share:
1. Nothing is OFF the record
2. You do NOT need to answer anything
3. SMILE and walk away
4. Be confident

I have never been in that position but I think i am sort of glad I was put in that situation because I have learnt how to better manage the media. It was interesting and well i guess for a first timer, I think I did well.

Days pass and I was thinking that all hope were lost and the interview wouldn't happen to me. Then, I saw on the papers my face yet again! And this time, they disclosed that there were actually 48 nominees compared to 37 for the last round! I never knew there were so many applicants. And on the same day, I received a call from the parliament house that I have been shortlisted for an interview. WOOHOO! I jumped with joy and glad that at least I wasn't booted out in the first round.

As the date drew nearer to the interview, i got tensed. Suddenly, there was a growing urge and want to have the post of the NMP. It was weird, but as days pass, I wanted it badly. I have no idea why. I look at this as something that will change my life forever. It will allow me to make even more changes and be able to help more people! I was afraid to lose it. I wanted to have it. I want it.

And just in the nick of time, one of my mentor told me to watch Star Wars 3. And from there, I learnt a lesson. "Overcome the fear of losing what you loved/treaure most". Things should be as the way it should be. Let it be.

On the following week, someone also told me that I should go on with it like as if I do not need it. Because whether or not I have it, I am still able to do what I want to do. Be confident of myself.

I went back and spend about 2~3 days thinking over the lesson learnt. And indeed, I think I have been very lucky to have been where I am. Without this good fortune that fell on my lap, I have already ironed out the whole 2007 what I am going to do to push for mroe environmental awareness and engaging more youth to take ownership. And sides, the NMP nomination has already given me alot of exposure for the past month that I found at least 5 news paper article of myself with pictures in both the chinese and english papers. That excludes the TV telecast as well and also the ernomous amount of media friends and corporate partners I have came to contact with where i managed to establish a good relationship. I am already very blessed. The past one month has given me enough "ammunitions" to effect more change. Fellow leaders from environment groups and youths groups have also came forward to give their support when they heard about it. All of them gave their supoprt and told me if I needed their vote, I can count on them. My fellow youths. It felt good. Honestly, I think I have gotten more that what I had expected or wish for. It was indeed a blessing.

Then, another of my mentor also told me to treat it as an experience. Which I realized has been really helpful. I do not think anyone aged 25 will have had the chance to be exposed to what I am exposed to. I am very fortunate to have all these blessings. The mentors that are around, the friends that are supportive, the volunteers that "fights" with me, the Environmental and youth NGOs who are ever supportive in what I am trying to do and of course my loved ones who never knew what I am doing but finally realized what I am doing is worth it. I have been blessed.

Sunday, June 25, 2006


While doing my search, I have also gone home more often now and try to strike more conversations with my parent and some of my relatives. I took a walk back at my own "hometown" slowly. I began to see alot of things I never saw before. Many things have changed. People have grown up and alot of them have moved on. New faces appeared. But there are also things that remained the same, like some of the coffeeshop stall owners. I began to question myself why are they still around and doing what they do when their children have all grown up and they can have a relaxed life where they can travel the world. I see glimpses of happiness at these coffeeshops as they engage in the little conversations within themselves. They started to share their own stories in life and what it used to be like. It was a great. Slowly, my relationship with my family members seem to have strengthen as I slowly begin to see what they think from others and themselves. they too have also slowly come to terms with what I am doing and began to support my dream by constantly sharing with me ideas they have.

I miss those good old days where we do not need to think too much and just do what we feel without knowing our limits. I remember jumping off three stories and survived. I was trying to mimick Superman. It's a small example of how as a kid, we dare to make mistakes. We do not think too much, we just do it. Gut feel. I was lucky to not have injured any part of my body. But hey, it has always been the case. I guess I am blessed because I have been involved in my share of accidents, but I have always walked away unhurt. To quote my friend, "Wilson, you are indestructable and you are very destructive." I have to agree with him on the later especially I too have my own share of things that I have spoilt which seems impossible by most people.

All this search seems to be going well as I also rekindled the childhood in me. I still remember how I always was talking to these aunties and uncles. I felt like a kid again. I felt warmth. I also feel I want to do more for them. I wish I could. Perhaps one step at a time. Now, I'd focus on the environment. There is so much love going on and I really hope this will never end. I felt it and I hope everyone feels it. I want to make this world a better place. By the small things I do, I hope there will be ripple effects to affect people who will do the same. By the small things we do, I hope we can reach a tipping point.

Just a thinker for the readers..."Love is about giving, when was the last time you give in to your partner?"

Friday, June 02, 2006

2nd Relationship....gone~

It's about 2am in the morning here in Singapore as I pen down this chapter. It wasn't too long ago that my relationship has ended. Well, perhaps it was deem to end a while ago. We have been on broken terms for the past few months. Relationship has been really jerky. On and off.

I guess if any of my friends is reading this chapter, some of you are really confused about my relationship status. By the time you read this, I can tell you that it is already over. Fully over. Gone. Period.

It is a result of my own self. She has been great. She has always been there. She has been tolerant. But I guess it is me. I have two major problem; Confidence and Temper.

Part 1 -
I am afraid she leaves me. Maybe I can't take it that what is mine has to be mine. No one else can share her. It is my absolute right to have her for myself only. I cannot imagine her with someone else. In someone else's arm or someone else's care. But she told me she has her rights and I agree. I guess i am too MCP. I think i am afraid she'd leave me. I don't have the confidence that i am special. I am afraid people will say " your gf go around hanging out with other guys you ok meh?" Or perhaps I am afraid one day she will walk away with someone else. And it sucks.

Part 2-
I guess I have always feared that she will outshine me. As much as I have told people, I am ok with my partner being better than me, I think I am really not that prepared after all. I am not what I claimed to be. She has found a new job and pays her much better. She is outspoken. She is a people person. She can make people trust her. She is better than me in many ways. What am I left with now? I am only someone with a dream. A dream to save the world. Maybe I am not that capable at all. Maybe this is all wrong. I don't know. I have always failed in my life. I mean since my younger years, almost all of the project i organize i have failed. But after I met her, all seems to go well. I worry that without her, i cannot cope. I was always made to feel by her that without her, i'll crash. That she is my lucky star. Soon, i started to ponder if the reason I am with her is because I need her to help me in the organisation or am I being with her because I love her. I want it to be the slowly felt otherwise.

I have shared so many things with her. Outside of org, for those who know about my family issues, you know I hate to be like my dad. I want to do so many things. I want to save the world. But she prick me when she tells me "you are like your father". It sucks. It stinks. It hurts my EGO again. HAven't i been trying very hard not to be like him? It was just that I wanted to use the conveyor belt instead of walking, she told me that "I thought you don't want to be lazy like your dad?". It hurts. Very very deep. Already I am tired and trying very hard not to live in his shadows, here she is pointing it out.

Next on, it has been really awhile since I last felt she is listening to me and what I have to say. It is always her view and she always think I am narrow minded and I am being selfish. Make me feel so out of place.She told me before she liked me because I had a big heart. So now I am selfish, am I the same person she use to like or love? I don't know. I am scared now, will she leave me because I am different now? That built another layer of wall. Whenever I want to bring up things that I feel about, I can't bring it to her. She is now busy. Busy with her own life. Busy with work. Busy with part time school. She has to sleep by 11PM everyday, if not, she will not be able to function the next day. She work tills about 6+ everyday and sometimes 8+. And when she has to study, she reach home only at 10+. So literally, we can't speak to each other. I have my org to concentrate on especially on weekend because that is where the volunteers are free and I can spend time to grow the org and the volunteers.

As time passes, my confidence of us fell and the future got bleak.

With all the above going on, i flared up. I flare up so easily. For the past year we have never failed to quarrel over the phone after 5mins of conversation. I don't know why but I can't feel that she understands me and she finds talking to me very difficult. And I only flare up to people who are close ot me. My family and her. And when I flare up and throw my temper, things break. I destroy things. I raise my volume and destory anything in sight. That includes my HP. It has been a long while since I flare up with her. It wasn't like that in the first 3 years. I was tamed and I controlled really well. I can understand her and so could she. Whenever I was about to flare up, she will calm me down and I will try to control. Now, I don't control myself and she say I am being "ridiculous". What happened? I have no idea.

I have one of the worst temper anyone can ever imagine. No one wants to see me ever flare up. And I mean really flare up. I ever tore a busstop apart by bending the roof, chairs, signages, smashing the bins and breaking the light bulbs. I bled, but I didn't care. I keep going on like a mad man. I didn't feel any pain. Maybe because I was too pissed. But I would never do anything to hurt ladies and kids. No matter how flared up or angry I maybe. I guess I just wanted to divert my energy and make myself feel painful so it hurts me physically more than it hurts my heart.

Because of her, I teared again. I used to not tear because my my previous relationship. Now, I swear i will not tear for another lady ever again. I have to be strong.

I don't think anyone will ever suit me. Maybe I am destined to be alone. Maybe it is for the better. No one to share my joy or sorrows with anymore. I know it will hurt me real bad to see her with someone else, but I guess it is for her good. She needs to move on and I need to be alone.

She smsed me "We have been together for 5 years....our relationship is, Stagnant."

It was always with her that I feel that I can do things. She has always been there. Now, I feel decapitated. I feel that without her, I cannot make anything happen. she was the miracle. Now, I have to make my own miracles. I am not confident anymore.

I still want to save this world. Even if it is to save it for another 10 seconds. Enough time for us to tell the people whom we love, "I love you". I can't find anyone to tell anymore, I hope you find someone you can tell when that day comes.

I guess I can now better focus on my org. Focus to save the world. I hope I still can.

My thoughts are not in is all around. I pen this page down out of pure emotion. Mixed emotions. Mixed feelings. If you don't understand, it is ok. Neither do I understand how I feel now. I want to cry, but I can't anymore. No tears coming out. I want to hurt myself, but I want to stay in good shape to save the world. To make this world a better place.

good nite.


Well, i have recently start to relook at how I am doing and what am I doing. I was lucky to have spoken to a few more experienced people in the field of what I am doing. Social start ups and founders of these organisations in Singapore. Also experienced people who have been diligently doing their due in the world of youth and volunteerism as managers or executives. And not to forget to hear out those who think things are not as easy as it seems. People who have tried to walk the talk but did not make it.

I call this stage of my life "Search". I am fortunate that one of my mentor organisation has took me in and gave me a temp job. There, I have and still am learning alot about managing the daily operations of an organisation. This also gave me a chance to think through what I am doing now as well. My cash flow is running low. My relationships has been strained. Support in what I am doing has slowly been reduced. Many eyes are looking at me and thoughts of "Let's see how long can he survive" has been coming from many, both directly and indirectly.

Suddenly, I am starting to doubt my capability. My low self-esteem slowly started to take on the better of me. I am trying very hard to find what I am good at doing. What is/are my strength/s. Can I bring the organisation to the next height? What does it take to be the "leader" of the organisation? Do I have the necessary knowledge?

I toned myself down and focused on the existing projects that i am dealing and try to brush it up. There are loads of projects but it is still managable. I am glad I have volunteer teams to do it. I just need to be there to motivate them and bring in contacts for them in to move further. To bring out the best in them.

While doing the earlier stated, I'll continue to search for my strength, if any. and polish it so that I can bring the projects that are under my care to greater heights. Even the organisation. I need to also look at my personal intellectual grooming. I slowly found that I like to know more about political and social sciences as well as econs. People around my age have already finished their degree program and I have not even start yet. Not that I care about the certificate, but the training they have on the program of the topics that I am interested seems to be very useful and be able to help sharpen their thinking on current affairs issues. At least that is what I think. Sadly, no local university is willing to accept a D grade student like myself so I guess I have to learn by reading up books on my own.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

I have been blogging!

Just for those who think I have not been blogging. I did! I went for a UN conference, leading a team of 4 from the organisation I started. The site is

Also, I am now officially LTA (NS) Wilson Ang.

More blogging to I need to catch up with a few things at ECO.

Zonking now...trying to cope with my jet lag....