Love

While doing my search, I have also gone home more often now and try to strike more conversations with my parent and some of my relatives. I took a walk back at my own "hometown" slowly. I began to see alot of things I never saw before. Many things have changed. People have grown up and alot of them have moved on. New faces appeared. But there are also things that remained the same, like some of the coffeeshop stall owners. I began to question myself why are they still around and doing what they do when their children have all grown up and they can have a relaxed life where they can travel the world. I see glimpses of happiness at these coffeeshops as they engage in the little conversations within themselves. They started to share their own stories in life and what it used to be like. It was a great. Slowly, my relationship with my family members seem to have strengthen as I slowly begin to see what they think from others and themselves. they too have also slowly come to terms with what I am doing and began to support my dream by constantly sharing with me ideas they have.

I miss those good old days where we do not need to think too much and just do what we feel without knowing our limits. I remember jumping off three stories and survived. I was trying to mimick Superman. It's a small example of how as a kid, we dare to make mistakes. We do not think too much, we just do it. Gut feel. I was lucky to not have injured any part of my body. But hey, it has always been the case. I guess I am blessed because I have been involved in my share of accidents, but I have always walked away unhurt. To quote my friend, "Wilson, you are indestructable and you are very destructive." I have to agree with him on the later especially I too have my own share of things that I have spoilt which seems impossible by most people.

All this search seems to be going well as I also rekindled the childhood in me. I still remember how I always was talking to these aunties and uncles. I felt like a kid again. I felt warmth. I also feel I want to do more for them. I wish I could. Perhaps one step at a time. Now, I'd focus on the environment. There is so much love going on and I really hope this will never end. I felt it and I hope everyone feels it. I want to make this world a better place. By the small things I do, I hope there will be ripple effects to affect people who will do the same. By the small things we do, I hope we can reach a tipping point.

Just a thinker for the readers..."Love is about giving, when was the last time you give in to your partner?"

2nd Relationship....gone~

It's about 2am in the morning here in Singapore as I pen down this chapter. It wasn't too long ago that my relationship has ended. Well, perhaps it was deem to end a while ago. We have been on broken terms for the past few months. Relationship has been really jerky. On and off.

I guess if any of my friends is reading this chapter, some of you are really confused about my relationship status. By the time you read this, I can tell you that it is already over. Fully over. Gone. Period.

It is a result of my own self. She has been great. She has always been there. She has been tolerant. But I guess it is me. I have two major problem; Confidence and Temper.

Confidence:
Part 1 -
I am afraid she leaves me. Maybe I can't take it that what is mine has to be mine. No one else can share her. It is my absolute right to have her for myself only. I cannot imagine her with someone else. In someone else's arm or someone else's care. But she told me she has her rights and I agree. I guess i am too MCP. I think i am afraid she'd leave me. I don't have the confidence that i am special. I am afraid people will say " your gf go around hanging out with other guys you ok meh?" Or perhaps I am afraid one day she will walk away with someone else. And it sucks.

Part 2-
I guess I have always feared that she will outshine me. As much as I have told people, I am ok with my partner being better than me, I think I am really not that prepared after all. I am not what I claimed to be. She has found a new job and pays her much better. She is outspoken. She is a people person. She can make people trust her. She is better than me in many ways. What am I left with now? I am only someone with a dream. A dream to save the world. Maybe I am not that capable at all. Maybe this is all wrong. I don't know. I have always failed in my life. I mean since my younger years, almost all of the project i organize i have failed. But after I met her, all seems to go well. I worry that without her, i cannot cope. I was always made to feel by her that without her, i'll crash. That she is my lucky star. Soon, i started to ponder if the reason I am with her is because I need her to help me in the organisation or am I being with her because I love her. I want it to be the latter...somehow...it slowly felt otherwise.

I have shared so many things with her. Outside of org, for those who know about my family issues, you know I hate to be like my dad. I want to do so many things. I want to save the world. But she prick me when she tells me "you are like your father". It sucks. It stinks. It hurts my EGO again. HAven't i been trying very hard not to be like him? It was just that I wanted to use the conveyor belt instead of walking, she told me that "I thought you don't want to be lazy like your dad?". It hurts. Very very deep. Already I am tired and trying very hard not to live in his shadows, here she is pointing it out.

Next on, it has been really awhile since I last felt she is listening to me and what I have to say. It is always her view and she always think I am narrow minded and I am being selfish. Make me feel so out of place.She told me before she liked me because I had a big heart. So now I am selfish, am I the same person she use to like or love? I don't know. I am scared now, will she leave me because I am different now? That built another layer of wall. Whenever I want to bring up things that I feel about, I can't bring it to her. She is now busy. Busy with her own life. Busy with work. Busy with part time school. She has to sleep by 11PM everyday, if not, she will not be able to function the next day. She work tills about 6+ everyday and sometimes 8+. And when she has to study, she reach home only at 10+. So literally, we can't speak to each other. I have my org to concentrate on especially on weekend because that is where the volunteers are free and I can spend time to grow the org and the volunteers.

As time passes, my confidence of us fell and the future got bleak.

TEMPER:
With all the above going on, i flared up. I flare up so easily. For the past year we have never failed to quarrel over the phone after 5mins of conversation. I don't know why but I can't feel that she understands me and she finds talking to me very difficult. And I only flare up to people who are close ot me. My family and her. And when I flare up and throw my temper, things break. I destroy things. I raise my volume and destory anything in sight. That includes my HP. It has been a long while since I flare up with her. It wasn't like that in the first 3 years. I was tamed and I controlled really well. I can understand her and so could she. Whenever I was about to flare up, she will calm me down and I will try to control. Now, I don't control myself and she say I am being "ridiculous". What happened? I have no idea.

I have one of the worst temper anyone can ever imagine. No one wants to see me ever flare up. And I mean really flare up. I ever tore a busstop apart by bending the roof, chairs, signages, smashing the bins and breaking the light bulbs. I bled, but I didn't care. I keep going on like a mad man. I didn't feel any pain. Maybe because I was too pissed. But I would never do anything to hurt ladies and kids. No matter how flared up or angry I maybe. I guess I just wanted to divert my energy and make myself feel painful so it hurts me physically more than it hurts my heart.

Because of her, I teared again. I used to not tear because my my previous relationship. Now, I swear i will not tear for another lady ever again. I have to be strong.

I don't think anyone will ever suit me. Maybe I am destined to be alone. Maybe it is for the better. No one to share my joy or sorrows with anymore. I know it will hurt me real bad to see her with someone else, but I guess it is for her good. She needs to move on and I need to be alone.

She smsed me "We have been together for 5 years....our relationship is, Stagnant."

It was always with her that I feel that I can do things. She has always been there. Now, I feel decapitated. I feel that without her, I cannot make anything happen. she was the miracle. Now, I have to make my own miracles. I am not confident anymore.

I still want to save this world. Even if it is to save it for another 10 seconds. Enough time for us to tell the people whom we love, "I love you". I can't find anyone to tell anymore, I hope you find someone you can tell when that day comes.

I guess I can now better focus on my org. Focus to save the world. I hope I still can.


My thoughts are not in sequence...it is all around. I pen this page down out of pure emotion. Mixed emotions. Mixed feelings. If you don't understand, it is ok. Neither do I understand how I feel now. I want to cry, but I can't anymore. No tears coming out. I want to hurt myself, but I want to stay in good shape to save the world. To make this world a better place.

good nite.

Search

Well, i have recently start to relook at how I am doing and what am I doing. I was lucky to have spoken to a few more experienced people in the field of what I am doing. Social start ups and founders of these organisations in Singapore. Also experienced people who have been diligently doing their due in the world of youth and volunteerism as managers or executives. And not to forget to hear out those who think things are not as easy as it seems. People who have tried to walk the talk but did not make it.

I call this stage of my life "Search". I am fortunate that one of my mentor organisation has took me in and gave me a temp job. There, I have and still am learning alot about managing the daily operations of an organisation. This also gave me a chance to think through what I am doing now as well. My cash flow is running low. My relationships has been strained. Support in what I am doing has slowly been reduced. Many eyes are looking at me and thoughts of "Let's see how long can he survive" has been coming from many, both directly and indirectly.

Suddenly, I am starting to doubt my capability. My low self-esteem slowly started to take on the better of me. I am trying very hard to find what I am good at doing. What is/are my strength/s. Can I bring the organisation to the next height? What does it take to be the "leader" of the organisation? Do I have the necessary knowledge?

I toned myself down and focused on the existing projects that i am dealing and try to brush it up. There are loads of projects but it is still managable. I am glad I have volunteer teams to do it. I just need to be there to motivate them and bring in contacts for them in to move further. To bring out the best in them.

While doing the earlier stated, I'll continue to search for my strength, if any. and polish it so that I can bring the projects that are under my care to greater heights. Even the organisation. I need to also look at my personal intellectual grooming. I slowly found that I like to know more about political and social sciences as well as econs. People around my age have already finished their degree program and I have not even start yet. Not that I care about the certificate, but the training they have on the program of the topics that I am interested seems to be very useful and be able to help sharpen their thinking on current affairs issues. At least that is what I think. Sadly, no local university is willing to accept a D grade student like myself so I guess I have to learn by reading up books on my own.